Ryan's Favorite Quotes
Here's some funny quotes I found on the web.
Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
You can find tea in a tea cup.. but cannot find world in a world cup.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
Laughter is a medicine with no side effects.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
She's more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
The most important thing is not to stop questioning.
I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King.
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I never criticise referees and i'm not going to change a habit for that prat.
A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.
The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
You can study and get any certificates.. but you cannot get your own death certificate.
Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things, but just look what happens when they stick together.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, So far so good!
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.
When life gives you lemons, you’d better wait for it to give you some sugar first or else you’ll have some really nasty-tasting lemonade.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
Optimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Computer programmers don't byte They nibble a bit.
I want to die like my grandfather- asleep, not like the passengers in his car, screaming!
When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you’re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for. Unless it’s death by meteor.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper.
USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives."
"It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,but this wasn't it."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
" If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."
"It's deja-vu all over again."
"If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer."
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."
"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands."
"You can't think and hit at the same time."
"If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."
"If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping."
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"Well, at least the war on the environment is going well."
"Jesus loves me, this I know - that is why I don't drive slow!"
"IF THE SCREAMS FROM MY TRUNK BOTHER YOU TURN UP YOUR RADIO"
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Love Thy neighbors but don't get caught"
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"
"Without geometry, life is pointless."
"Work, yeah I tried that once. Worst 7 minutes of my life."
" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."
" Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
I have hit the Escape key repeatedly, and I'm still stuck in this class. Send help.
My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.
"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
